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    生活中,父母和成年子女之間常常向對方隱瞞自己的難處,本來是不希望對方擔心自己,有時卻對親子關系造成一些影響。近日,中國青年報社社會調查中心聯合問卷網(wenjuan.com),對2008名受訪者進行的一項調查中,52.0%的受訪者坦言自己和父母之間經常報喜不報憂,43.6%的受訪者和父母之間偶爾這樣。

    受訪者中,00后占2.8%,90后占35.4%,80后占45.2%,70后占12.5%,60后占3.4%。

    受訪者和父母之間常在工作、財務和健康方面報喜不報憂

    95后韋珍(化名)本科和碩士都是在國外讀的。在國外生活的7年,她對家人一直是報喜不報憂。“我算是一個懂事、能干的人,遇到問題一般都自己想解決辦法。我媽媽比較敏感,我擔心如果跟她說了自己的煩惱,她會多想,因為擔心我而睡不著覺”。

    何星(化名)的老家在湖南,從讀大學開始,她就離開了家人到外地,大學畢業后又在英國讀了一年書,現在在上海一家金融公司工作。何星一直都盡可能給父母創造機會,讓他們了解和參與自己的生活。“不管是好消息還是一些壞的事情,我都會跟他們說,也讓他們知道我有能力去克服困難”。

    雖然何星會告訴父母自己的煩惱,但她覺得父母對自己并不“坦誠”。“我在國外讀研時,正好家里在換房,搬家、裝修前前后后折騰了小半年,都弄完了,家人才跟我說,怕告訴我會讓我分心,影響學習。”何星說,她希望能知道家里的情況,希望父母相信她有余力關心家人。

    調查中,52.0%的受訪者坦言自己和父母之間經常會報喜不報憂,43.6%的受訪者和父母偶爾這樣,僅4.4%的受訪者和父母從來都不這樣。

    “我上大學時,我媽媽做甲狀腺手術,直到出院后才讓我知道。”在河北工作的白芳(化名)是個90后,她覺得家里人經常對自己隱瞞一些事情,“家人這樣做,是不想讓我擔心,想給我一個更好的學習和工作環境。”

    在深圳工作的伊伊(化名)會根據具體情況決定是否告訴家人自己遇到的困難。“遇到一些人際關系上的困惑,我會跟家里人說,他們能提供建設性意見,也會覺得自己是被需要的。但工作上的問題,比如要不要跳槽、換了工作但不理想這種事,我就不會告訴家里人。因為他們非但幫不上忙,還可能非常擔心,甚至會勸我別在外面工作了,趕緊回家”。

    調查顯示,39.2%的受訪者表示自己對父母報喜不報憂的情況多一些,26.1%的受訪者表示父母對自己報喜不報憂的情況多一些,31.0%的受訪者表示差不多。

    受訪者和父母之間最常在工作(59.0%)、財務狀況(56.3%)和健康狀況(56.0%)等方面報喜不報憂。

    “父母和孩子之間報喜不報憂,確實是一種常見的現象,但是不同家庭之間也有差異,有的家庭這種情況比較突出。” 中國科學院心理研究所教授陳祉妍分析,父母向孩子隱瞞家里的一些困難,可能是不希望給孩子壓力,他們把孩子想得比較脆弱,把隱瞞壞消息當作一種愛和保護的方式。父母的這種行為對孩子可能會形成一種示范,導致孩子也這么做。

    父母和孩子之間報喜不報憂,61.7%受訪者歸因于不希望對方擔心

    白芳會避免讓自己的壞情緒影響家人而報喜不報憂。“隨著年齡增長,我在父母面前越來越傾向于隱藏不良情緒,遇到不開心的事情,盡可能自己解決”。

    為什么有的人和父母之間會報喜不報憂?調查中,61.7%的受訪者歸因于不希望對方為自己擔心,51.2%的受訪者歸因于希望給對方更多的安全感和舒適感,50.3%的受訪者覺得自己可以解決,不需要告訴對方。

    “有的父母會覺得,告訴孩子自己的難處沒什么用,還會引起孩子的不安。但真實的情況是,孩子有時也要面對困難、挫折。父母應該讓孩子了解一些事實,同時給予孩子足夠的支持和引導。” 陳祉妍認為,父母需要根據孩子的年齡、承受能力來決定具體做法,讓孩子了解家里的困難、產生困難的原因,也了解父母是如何應對的。

    對于孩子向父母報喜不報憂的現象,陳祉妍分析,有的孩子會覺得,把自己的困難告訴父母會增加他們的焦慮,父母如果反應激烈,反過來增加自己的壓力。她建議,父母在孩子講述困難時,多傾聽,適當地給予一些幫助和撫慰,這樣孩子未來談自己困難的可能性也會更高。“如果父母年老,孩子要考慮到父母的承受能力,告訴他們一部分事實,同時講一講自己的解決方式,讓父母放心。”

    陳祉妍不贊成父母和孩子之間一味地報喜不報憂,“即便不能真正地代替對方解決問題,朋友、親人之間的相互幫助、情感上的相互支持,對我們的情緒疏導、心理健康和親密關系的建設,都是很重要的”。(中國青年報·中國青年網記者孫山 實習生 黃碩)

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